I Just Have to Be Me, and That Is Good!
Printed from http://www.bodytalksystem.com//learn/news/article.cfm?id=1016 on May 19, 2022.
May 12, 2017
By Katherine Ebacher
When I turned 10, my mom began to experience the symptoms of bipolar disease, and I had to grow up very fast. I instantly began to distrust mom's and my own emotional expression and only trusted my logical thinking and analytical skills – a clear stage in my further development of a split mind. Also at that time, I developed my first life-long desire: to heal my mom. Unfortunately, at that age, I had not finished grade school or high school, had not finished college or medical school and, of course, had no specialization in psychiatry. But, this experience was the first time I started having more negative thoughts about myself. I believed deeply the phrase, "I am not good enough," mainly because I was not able to cure my mom and keep my family together. Later in life, after finding BodyTalk, I learned that at that age I clearly was just not qualified! But as a kid, of course, I didn't know any of that yet.
(Katherine and her Mom, Carol, photographed this past Christmas, are tremendously close.)
Years later, even after graduating Cum Laude from my college-prep high school and with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Biology from Bryn Mawr College, fear and self-judgment kept me from choosing to become a doctor. I had convinced myself that I just was not smart enough to be able to remember all the names of similarly called prescription drugs. I allowed fears of not having enough money to be able to pay for med school and the unknown earning potential for doctors with the emergence of managed healthcare to shape my decision. Instead, I had alternative option that excited me. As a college student with an avid interest in The Investment Club and Treasurer of the student government association, I chose to start my career in the First Scholar Program at First Chicago Bank where they gave me a full scholarship to Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management to get my MBA and a fast-tracked management training program with direct Senior Management attention and support. My drive to cure mom dropped into my subconscious in exchange for the motivated drive to succeed in my career in banking. I worked extremely hard, some would say too hard. The stress levels were high, but I loved my logical, analytical job and did very well.
However, when I turned 29, I was hospitalized for the first time with my own experiences of bipolar disorder ... then again ... and again. Over the course of the next four years, I was hospitalized eight different times having had amazing feelings of peace and joy for a few weeks, followed by primarily haunting thoughts that I was evil and should be dead for weeks or months following. Those feelings of "I am not good enough" and "I am bad" reared their heads in full force during this time. I developed all sorts of fears and judgmental thoughts that overwhelmed me at times. I had a great sense of inferiority that developed into a severe eating disorder. I had fears of not doing enough that resulted in even longer hours and more stress-filled days at the bank; I was productive, of course, but was simultaneously wreaking havoc on my health. I had fears of not having enough money, and I struggled with extremely self-critical thoughts. At the worst point, I was sitting in the holding area of one of the hospitals and I imagined that everyone who walked by wanted me dead, but every time they tried to kill me, I would just come back to life and therefore everyone else was suffering. It was then that I found a straight pin in the arm of my chair. I imagined and struggled to grab the pin to stab myself in the eye as punishment for the soul that couldn't die. There was so much guilt for simply living! But as the intelligent universe always protects us, fortunately, a nurse came in at that moment and saved me from taking that action. This was one of the critical turning points on my journey. As I struggled through this period of time, however, there was a silver lining: I found a new compassion for my mom's experiences, I began to see the healing nature of emotional overreactions, and I found my second motivating drive in life--to cure myself.
And then, as life would have it, I wandered into the Transitions Bookstore one Thursday evening and Marita Roussey was tapping her head in front of a large audience during a public lecture on this new amazing, healthcare technique called BodyTalk. She demonstrated the SB technique on me for a cat allergy attack I had had. Wow, the symptoms were gone! I signed up for the Fundamentals course the next day. Think about this: BodyTalk offered me an opportunity to learn and offer mind-body medicine without having to memorize a single prescription drug name. It was a dream-come-true. I was able to rekindle my passion for science and continue doing banking at the same time. BodyTalk was clearly designed to offer me the opportunity to fulfill my soul's lifelong dreams!
I continued to work at the bank in Chicago during the day, while I took BodyTalk training and studied the theory and techniques on the weekends. Marita, Beverley Lutz, Kris Attard and John Veltheim, the Founder of BodyTalk, held numerous classes at Transitions. I was certified as a BodyTalk practitioner in six months and took all of the nine core modules in a total of 11 months. (I certainly do not recommend taking the courses that fast, but remember the cute little phrase, "work hard, learn a lot?" That was just my path.)
I shared BodyTalk with a few friends and family early on, but most importantly I needed it to cure myself in those days ... and it worked! It was a journey of self-discovery. I learned and grew so much from my studies of BodyTalk, MindScape, and PaRama--truly holistic, consciousness-based approaches to healing--and of course, practice, practice, practice. In large part, it took a great deal of courage to open up my "real" self to people and share my deepest fears. But what I found is that people accepted me for me. They helped me to see that "thoughts" do not define who I am, they just color the light coming from within my heart.
Over the years, I continued to work in banking, but I moved to Cincinnati to work at a different bank to live closer to my Grandmother and Great Aunt in their later years. At the encouragement of my Great Aunt, who loved receiving treatments, I started an official practice, BodyTalk Cincinnati, in 2005, so I could share BodyTalk with my community. Because I love the analytical and creative work of Product Management (left brain development and training at its best), I still choose to do that by day, and I offer BodyTalk sessions (using my right brain intuitive skills) on evenings and weekends. Essentially, I have two rewarding careers. I also moved my mom to Cincinnati from Florida a few years ago. She has had a dramatic recovery with both traditional medicine and BodyTalk sessions to manage the ups and downs. She is doing extremely well. Our physical closeness also goes a long way toward our good health. In many ways, I fulfilled my soul's first conscious desire, to heal my mom!
Through my relationship with my mom, I discovered the freedom of allowing both sadness and joy to flow in and from my heart as I gave both curiosity and space to our healing journeys. Because my heart is flexible now, I also allow my curiosity and attention to extend to both my clients and myself, which gives us the opportunity to connect at a heart level. This allows me to observe what's really going on and see the emerging strategies to allow for true healing. My curiosity extends further than what my clients come in for consciously. I look for the connection of mind, body, heart and soul, taking us deeper into the subconscious to uncover the mystery and wisdom of the present moment's exchange. I see these connections as part of the journey of our lives; as my clients heal the feelings of separation, so can I.
I had to do a fair amount of work to heal my own split mind and resolve the feelings of inferiority over the years. I am happy to say that I have been stable and fully recovered now for over 10 years. I've continued a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for 11 years ... and counting. I am truly grateful for his support and ability to hold space for me while I work and play; he is incredible! I call him my transformational guy. It took two years of focus and attention, but I developed the ability to be the "same person" I was when doing BodyTalk in all environments (home, work, and in the world). My stress-filled feelings at work reduced dramatically, and the long to-do lists that haunted me at night became manageable and less confining as I learned to bring MindScape and intuitive thinking into the workplace, just as I do in my BodyTalk practice. My fears are gone; I developed an inner sense of confidence. I eat fruits, vegetables, proteins and a small dessert for dinner with joy and no cravings for more. I ceased my primary focus on weight loss, and my eating disorder is completely gone as a result of one BreakThrough session--it is truly amazing work to discover the conscious and unconscious beliefs and "I am" statements at the core of our discomfort and overreactions! If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it.
My peers at the bank recognize my strengths and ask for my support to brainstorm solutions and reduce their stress levels too. I continue to receive professional recognition from my business partners winning many peer awards that I display in the feng shui Fame area of my office. I am a BodyTalk practitioner of practitioners, which is extraordinarily fun and I believe is a tribute to my breadth of experience and my success with clients. I have learned to engage all 10 physical and subtle senses to experience the world fully. I have a true flexibility to experience both the low vibrational emotional energies of fear, depression, and shame and the high-frequency energies of peace, love, and joy with insight and perspective. The "active memory" charges and intensity of these frequencies no longer affect me negatively ... I embrace any volatility and love the ten-dimensional emotional, sensory soundtrack that adds greatly to the drama of our lives.
I have developed many friendships with colleagues at the bank, my BodyTalk clients, and connections in the BodyTalk community at large. I love the fact that the Cincinnati+ matrix of practitioners and students of Access and BodyTalk is expanding so rapidly; the excitement is mounting exponentially around this amazing form of healthcare. I enjoy engaging with people and clients honestly, as equals, knowing that in many ways, I have been, and can be, there with them through the challenging times too. As a team, sharing holding a clear umbrella, we safely watch the drama of their lives. We are able to hone in on their deep-seated issues and uncover the unconscious root causes of their "suffering" to bring clarity and connection to their experiences with physical, emotional, psychological, relationship-based, environmental and spiritual issues. I now know that at a deep level, as they heal and grow, so do I. We are all on this journey called Life together, and that feels wonderfully connected and whole!
If you ever meet me, you would see my passion for things, my drive to learn, my desire to work hard, but you may also notice that I do not have the unconscious motivation to prove these things to others or myself. Because I have had a unique experience of healer and healed, I have a breadth of knowledge and deep understanding of psychological, emotional and mental health and the role BodyTalk can play in achieving them. I would call my life's journey so far, a true success and that is GOOD ... but most importantly I now KNOW, at a deep level, through experience (which is the only way), that so am I!